When my son, Dylan, was born, it was nothing like I expected. My happy and peaceful pregnancy did not end with the natural homebirth I had planned. Rather, after days of drug-free labor at home, I found myself being wheeled into the operating room for an emergency cesarean birth. Dylan spent nearly the next two weeks in the NICU healing the holes that meconium had torn in his little lungs. I spent over half that time confined to the hospital myself, losing my mind in a post-partum haze of painkillers and panic for being separated from my child.
That was just over 4 months ago. In the time since, I have realized some things about myself.
I am changed since my childbirth experience. I had a truly "dark night of the soul", where I journeyed into the underworld and, like all conquering heroes, did not return unscathed. I am something new -- a fundamentally different person -- and the word "mother" doesn't seem to fully to cover it. I am living with the disappointment of my initation into motherhood. I am making up for it by being the mother I want to be, on my terms. And I am setting the bar high while simultaneously cutting myself slack on a daily basis. In other words, I am living the dream.
So I decided my old blog just wouldn't do. I couldn't somehow bridge that old person's way of thinking to my current one. I have healed a lot, physically and mentally, over the winter. I need to start fresh, and what better time to do it than just as spring begins? The world is new and so am I.
I envision that this will be a place for me to talk about parenting and homemaking, but also about how that fits into a life filled with work, friends, marriage, extended family, and all that other drama. Dylan and I are on the go, having adventures, kicking ass and taking names. And loving every minute of it.
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So, if Dylan kicks ass, do you have to hold him by the person's rear?
ReplyDeleteI'm also disappointed in my birth experience but have chosen to consider it part of what was necessary to get to here. of course, I'm not equating the two, as I didn't almost lose Dot. I'll be interested to see what happens here.
ReplyDeleteI had a disappointing experience the first time around as well. The next one was a real healing experience for me. I'm glad you started a blog! :)
ReplyDeleteI had one amazingly empowering birth and one hellishly terrifying birth all on the same day. It is what it is. Perhaps the creepiest part of the experience was when the wheeled Soren in to me the morning after the births. I was so drugged I'd forgotten I'd given birth. (Gabriel was in the NICU for the first 8 days, but for less frightening issues than with Dylan).
ReplyDeleteMotherhood. What a ride.